Caring for Others Starts with Caring for Yourself

By. Rev Debbie Cole

If you are caring for someone right now, whether it be a parent with dementia, a spouse with serious illness, a child with complex needs, or a neighbor who depends on you, there is one thing that is universally true: You can’t properly care for them long term if you don’t also prioritize caring for yourself. 

I say that not only as a hospice chaplain, but as a daughter, mother, and caregiver myself. Every day, I walk into homes where families are navigating some of life’s hardest transitions. I sit with uncertainty, anticipatory grief, and the sacredness of letting go. Then I go home. While I live alone right now, I have two adult sons and am supporting my mother, who has advanced dementia, from afar. 

All of that can take a lot of bandwidth if I'm not careful. I am a natural-born caregiver, very comfortable in that role, but there is a cost to leaning into that too much, to the exclusion of other parts of ourselves. 

There are parts of me that have always been caring and nurturing, but the reality is, until I became a parent, I was not a true caregiver. The roles before parenthood were forced on me, but parenting was a choice. 

My two sons helped me witness the give and take of relationships, recognizing it's not one-sided. Healthy caregiving is never meant to be entirely one-sided. If it feels that way for long periods of time, that’s worth paying attention to. 

Being a caregiver is not defined by how much you sacrifice. It’s not being a people pleaser or lacking boundaries. In fact, strong, healthy caregivers have healthy boundaries. They receive as much as they give, so they have capacity. Serving others and self-preservation are not mutually exclusive. 

My sons also helped me see that we can get lost in the hard stuff and miss the beauty and preciousness of right now. Everything is of a nature to change. It's not ever going to stay the same. It never was going to stay the same. We don't personally have the power to change everything the way we think we would like to have it. Part of life and its inevitable end is learning to embrace what's right here, right now, without having to change it. Sometimes we think we need to hold on to something because we have such conviction in it, but it takes a lot of energy to hold that conviction. 

When my sons were four and one, I started doing T'ai Chi Chih, at first as a break from mothering, but I instantly fell in love. I had previously taught natural childbirth, so I was used to teaching people how to relax under stressful situations, but this was different. 

19 moves, one pose. It’s easy to do, accessible to the young and old, at all capabilities. I call it meditation with training wheels. It helps you get quiet. Your body is moving, albeit slowly, so you can place your attention in your body, feeling the weight in the soles of your feet, noticing where you hold tension. That connection with the soles of your feet, even if you're sitting in a chair, is a huge part of keeping grounded and balanced. 

Caregiving is both emotionally and physically demanding. Your nervous system needs outlets. If you are in a caregiving season, but lacking the tools you need to care for yourself, here are some easy integrations I recommend you try:

1. Ground yourself: It's important to have some sort of meditative practice where you're checking in with yourself. It can be meditation, prayer, it's called many things in many different traditions, but the goal is to practice a moment of mindfulness. Notice what comes up in the silence. Notice where you are holding tension. Ask yourself questions like: What is the best I can do in this moment? Am I carrying something that isn't mine to control?
2. Move your body: It can be something simple like T'ai Chi Chih or yoga, or something more physically taxing like weightlifting, swimming, or running. The goal is to relieve stress and direct your attention toward something intentional and in the moment.
3. Get outside: Nature has incredible healing properties, but it’s always a reminder that everything is a cycle. Growth and decline are part of the same system. Step outside. Feel the air. Let yourself be reminded you are part of something larger.
4. Connect with others: Social connections also remind us we are part of something larger and that we rely on each other. Asking for help helps share the burden, allows us space to care for ourselves and deepens our relationships.
5. Connect with the larger why: Part of the challenge with burnout comes when we start thinking I “have to” do this versus I’m “being called” to do this. That doesn’t mean you aren’t going to have bad days. You will. But it’s important to be present in the moment and not let it define you. In hospice work, I am mindful before entering a home. I pause and remind myself: I am here with this family. I am not somewhere else. When I leave, I intentionally release what belongs in that space. 

Caregiving asks a lot, but it shouldn’t take everything. We are all connected and rely on each other to navigate life, including you.