Practical Parenting: How Our Childhood Shapes How We Show Up for Our Kids

Most parents want to do better than what they experienced growing up. Yet in moments of stress, frustration, or conflict with our children, we often find ourselves reacting in the same ways our parents reacted to us, perpetuating a cycle we were hoping to intercept. In this episode, we explore why that happens through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic framework that helps explain how past experiences shape present reactions. 

IFS is built on the idea that we all have internal “parts” that formed in childhood to protect us. When experiences felt unsafe, invalidating, or overwhelming, our brains adapted. Those protective parts were essential then, but as adults, they don’t always recognize that we are no longer powerless children. 

When something happens with our own kids that resembles one of our past experiences, the brain’s emotional system (the limbic system) often reacts faster than the logical, regulated part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex). 

How can we learn to notice those parts before they arise so we can circumvent the limbic system by recognizing and caring for those emotions before they explode all over our kids? 

IFS identifies three main categories of parts:

• Exiles hold painful memories and emotions that were too overwhelming to process at the time.
• Managers work to control the environment and prevent those painful feelings from resurfacing.
• Firefighters step in when everything feels out of control, often pushing for immediate relief from emotional distress. 

While these parts are protective by nature, they can become overactive, leading to anxiety, emotional shutdown, or unhealthy coping strategies. 

The goal of IFS is not to eliminate these parts, but to understand them. Parenting challenges often arise when a parent’s internal system is reacting to the past rather than responding to the child in front of them. A tantrum in a store, backtalk, or rule-breaking can trigger memories of shame, fear, or invalidation from childhood, prompting an outsized emotional response. 

When parents can practice “pause, presence, proceed,” they can slow down long enough for the brain’s regulatory systems to engage. Mindfulness is a good way to begin to get in touch with these parts because we are noticing what is happening without judgment. 

Repair is another critical theme of this work. Reacting in ways that are misaligned with intention is inevitable, but repair is what connects the reaction to the intention. Parents do not cause lasting harm through a single reaction; healing happens when they circle back, acknowledge what occurred, and reconnect.

Parenting challenges are not set in stone; rather growth opportunities. Understanding our internal systems, recognizing triggers, and practicing repair can break cycles from our own childhood and create more emotionally safe relationships with our children.

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