Practical Parenting: What Children Are Really Telling Us Through Play with Dr. Rachel Alvater

In June, we talked about the importance of unstructured play for brain development and creativity, why allowing our kids to be bored is in fact vital to their growth. In this episode, we expand on that conversation with special guest Dr. Rachel Altvater, a psychologist and play therapy expert for children and adolescents. 

A child’s primary language is play, and it can offer parents a window into a child’s internal world, especially when children lack the words to explain what they’re feeling. 

Dr. Altvater explains that “our first language is play. Children communicate perspective, emotion, and experience through action rather than words. When children can’t “talk it out,” they often “act it out,” using toys, themes, and symbols to process what they notice in their external environment and what they feel internally. Play, she notes, is often misunderstood as frivolous, but it is actually “a beautiful gateway into a child’s psyche.” 

Dr. Altvater outlined two primary approaches to play therapy: non-directive (Dr. Altvater’s preferred approach, where the child leads entirely) and directive (where the clinician offers structured prompts). The early stages of therapy are about building emotional safety, connection, and trust. Therapy becomes a holding space where children feel emotionally safe, permissive, and accepted. 

For children who appear anxious, withdrawn, or nonverbal, Dr. Altvater stresses patience. A child sitting quietly or not engaging is still communicating. 

“That might be their space of emotional safety,” she explained. Rather than pushing conversation, therapists reflect observations, offer permission to explore, and wait for the child to invite connection. In one example, Dr. Altvater describes a child who played silently in their sessions for weeks before eventually turning around and initiating engagement on their own. 

Through play, children will sometimes place their thoughts and feelings onto toys to create a safe enough distance to process difficult experiences. Dr. Altvater shares an example where a child could not talk about their struggles directly but freely described them through a stuffed animal. This projective process allows children to explore vulnerability without feeling overwhelmed. 

Parents can apply these same principles at home. Dr. Altvater encourages adults to resist the urge to direct play and instead let children lead. She explains that children seek power and control during play because much of their daily life is structured by adults. When a child insists on playing “the right way,” that behavior is developmentally appropriate and reflects a need for autonomy. 

“This is one of the few spaces where they have permission to be who they are,” she said. 

Parents can get confused and confused about what is developmentally appropriate and what requires intervention by a professional, like her. Dr. Altvater cautions against immediate interpretation, reminding listeners that play reflects emotion, not necessarily behavior problems. Repeated or stuck patterns may signal a need for additional support, but many expressions are simply part of normal emotional processing. 

Play is inherently therapeutic. Children don’t need formal therapy in order for play to support healing and growth. When adults slow down, observe, and join children in their play on the child’s terms, they create space for understanding, resilience, and emotional development.

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